If you’ve been following my blogs and pages for a while you will know that I’m always banging on about the positive power of emotional vulnerability. I want to take time out, and change my perspective. There is a big difference between being emotionally vulnerable and being a hot mess. In this section we are going to look at those differences, in particular, being needy (dependent), oversharing, safe and unsafe people, levels of vulnerability, and very importantly, vulnerability and boundaries.
The difference between being vulnerable and needy is the value you place on your self-worth. Neediness is requiring the attention or actions of another to make you whole, whereas being vulnerable means allowing the emotional barrier to come down by sharing weaknesses and emotions. For example, texting your partner every 5 minutes for attention is needy. Communicating to your partner that you feel insecure when you don’t hear from them all day is vulnerable. To have self-worth is to accept your whole person, warts and all. Being needy involves having someone else fulfill your needs. (https://poosh.com/neediness-vs-vulnerability-in-relationships/)
There is a fine line between not sharing enough to create a connection, and sharing too much and scaring someone off. Most of us have been in the position where someone has shared too much information with us and we are left feeling uncomfortable and unsure of why we’ve been picked to carry this burden. It also leaves the oversharer feeling uneasy because they have attempted to create a connection and have not received the reciprocity they are looking for. Awkwardness all around. Dr. Brene Brown warns “Oversharing is not vulnerability. In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.”
Being vulnerable does not mean word vomit to the cash register operator at your local supermarket about your most recent break-up. This creates less connection and respect. To understand how much information and to whom you should share it with you need to consider the level of trust within the relationship, as well as the expectations and boundaries of the other person. You also need to have a good understanding of safe and unsafe people. (https://www.becomingwhoyouare.net/vulnerability-vs-over-sharing-where-to-draw-the-line/)
When deciding to open up and become emotionally vulnerable, it is important to consider whether that person is safe or unsafe. Your inner self is not for everyone and you must be aware of the unsafe people who don’t deserve your vulnerability.
Levels of Vulnerability — Jessica R. TuckerSome examples of people who are not safe may include:
Someone who has previously violated your trust
Someone who is known for gossiping
Someone who does not respect your boundaries
Some examples of safe people may include:
Someone who you have seen displaying traits of non-judgment and acceptance
Someone who validates your feelings
Someone who doesn’t tell you how you “should” feel or think
It is also important to understand there are levels of vulnerability — it isn’t an all or nothing scenario. Jessica R. Tucker, an online career coach, has a wonderful schema outlining examples of how to regulate vulnerability depending on the person you are talking to (https://www.beinggreather.com/post/vulnerability-needs-healthy-boundaries-here-s-why)
The safe and unsafe people in our lives guide us to build appropriate boundaries about opening up and expressing our fears, previous mistakes, dreams, and hopes. Boundaries are not rules you create to control others' behaviour towards you, they are guidelines to manage your behaviour to protect yourself from harm, whether that be physical or emotional. For example, I have a boundary around being in a conversation with an angry person who is raising their voice. This is threatening to me, and I don’t believe it is necessary or helpful in resolving any situation. If someone encroaches on this boundary I will let them know I don’t wish to continue the conversation if they can’t lower their voice, and if they can’t, well then I terminate the conversation. It’s all about my behaviour. How they respond to that boundary tells me whether they are a safe or unsafe person.
Being positively vulnerable is much easier when you have a sense of when not to be open to others. Being needy, oversharing, opening up to unsafe people, and not having boundaries makes us a hot mess, not positively vulnerable. By working on our self-reliance, and considering what information to tell to whom, and having appropriate boundaries, we are ensuring we develop the capabilities to use vulnerability as a positive force within our lives. Keen to find out more? Download my free Courage and Vulnerability eBook here Caroline Jones — Founder and Life Coach at Ninth Koi CoachingWant to know more about how to discover your true self, beyond the layers of what others expect you to be at home, at work, and socially? Join my Authentic Self — The personal revolution Facebook group here — share with a positive and supportive community how you went with asking for help.
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